"Pregnant star, dilated with light" - Nathaniel Mackey
A phrase that has been playing in my head ever since I went to hear a poetry reading by this author a few weeks ago. What a way to think about light, stars, darkness, pregnancy.
I don't feel like I'm shining much these days. My thoughts are closer to fatigue, indigestion, heart burn and hormonally induced fits of crying and laughter.
I find myself awake at 2:30 AM one hundred percent sure that I heard my daughter crying for me (not the case). I feel the guilt of having a second child like any parent that's had a first. I wonder what it will do for our family structure, our way of living, our finances. While I stumble out of bed to go the bathroom for the 5th time I worry about SIDS, death, birth defects and the oh so many real and imagined challenges that are headed our way. And then I realize that really....really there is absolutely NOTHING I can do if any of these imagined threats occur. Being a control freak of sorts it takes me about 5 minutes to digest this shattering revelation. I wish I could say that it gives me peace and that it lulls me back to sleep. Instead, I find myself arguing that there has to be something I can do to make sure that our little family will be safe and sound forever. It is a losing battle. What I am learning is to be fully present in the moment; engaged in the here and now. I have way to many things to be thankful for. I am truly truly blessed. And with these thoughts on my mind I turn on my side, feel the pressure and fluttering of baby boy and think 5 more hours till I can get up.
A phrase that has been playing in my head ever since I went to hear a poetry reading by this author a few weeks ago. What a way to think about light, stars, darkness, pregnancy.
I don't feel like I'm shining much these days. My thoughts are closer to fatigue, indigestion, heart burn and hormonally induced fits of crying and laughter.
I find myself awake at 2:30 AM one hundred percent sure that I heard my daughter crying for me (not the case). I feel the guilt of having a second child like any parent that's had a first. I wonder what it will do for our family structure, our way of living, our finances. While I stumble out of bed to go the bathroom for the 5th time I worry about SIDS, death, birth defects and the oh so many real and imagined challenges that are headed our way. And then I realize that really....really there is absolutely NOTHING I can do if any of these imagined threats occur. Being a control freak of sorts it takes me about 5 minutes to digest this shattering revelation. I wish I could say that it gives me peace and that it lulls me back to sleep. Instead, I find myself arguing that there has to be something I can do to make sure that our little family will be safe and sound forever. It is a losing battle. What I am learning is to be fully present in the moment; engaged in the here and now. I have way to many things to be thankful for. I am truly truly blessed. And with these thoughts on my mind I turn on my side, feel the pressure and fluttering of baby boy and think 5 more hours till I can get up.
No comments:
Post a Comment