cultural identity - through the eyes of a 7 year old

Ayumi's school project includes making a collage about culture and what makes my her who she is. I found her choices interesting. She insisted on America, Dutch, and Japan and tried to angle Germany in there too but I did draw the line there

 "that city in America with the space science needle"
"What City Ayumi?"
"I don't know, My city in America"

 "This is me in Kimono"

"This is a house in the Netherlands"

 "In Japan, People live in one room"

 "This is my house in America" - on a side note when I showed her this picture of our old house she couldn't remember it

"This is traditional pancakes-pannenkoeken"

"This is what we eat in America" - quesadillas (Indeed it is....)

"I love Sushi" -

twins

I get my kids confused all the time.... 

 

phrases from a different culture.... offensive? you decide

On coming back from vacation:

Co-worker: "sistah - you have gone on leave and you look (fill cheeks with air and blow your face up here) like you have gained weight" - said with a big smile

Me: "Eh! I have just stood on the scale this morning and the scale tells me that I have lost 2 kg. No?"

Co-worker: "No. It may be but you look as if you are fatter"

Me: "Is it not rude to call someone fat in Rwanda?"

Co-worker: big big smile...."it depends, some people like it, some do not"



On speaking about another patient (this interaction has happened in many different ways more than once)

Student: "I am taking care of that patient"

Me: "what patient? What bed is the patient in?"

Student: "I do not know it is the very dark patient"

Me: ".....what is the difference between very dark and dark?"

Student: "Me, I am light skinned, she (pointing at a fellow student) is dark."

Me: " oh......I see (even though I don't) and me?"

student: "you are Mzungu"


On talking about people while they are present:

Co-workers speaking with each other - "kinyarwandan kinyarwandan, kinyarwandan, kinyarwandan....jessica....kinyarwandan, kinyarwandan, kinyarwandan"

Me: "what are you saying?"

co-workers: "nothing"

(because I know all of you miss my fat face) ;)

weaning depression and the like

I usually don't post this kind of stuff on my blog, but if you are wondering about the inner workings of my life lately here you go.

Post-weaning depression huh? That’s a thing. A very real thing, with physical manifestations, anxiety and a whole cocktail of emotions and hormones mixed to make life feel so very difficult. Just when everyone is telling you “oh, it must be getting easier now that your baby is getting older,” life seems to be getting worse. But instead of admitting it, you nod, you smile and deep down you think, if only you KNEW how hard this is. How very taxing, how completely irrational and how guilt-ridden.

8 months after my second son was born, I decided to wean completely. He was already breastfeeding only twice a day and it felt like a light at the end of the tunnel to think that I wouldn’t have to pump while at work. I weaned quickly and without physical or apparent emotional difficulty. I slowly started an unrecognized spiral towards anxiety which led to depression. A lot of attention has been given to post – partum depression but I was eight months out. I should feel happy and free and thrilled to get my body back. Baby was sleeping through the night, no more pumping, no more worrying about freezing milk. FREEDOM right? Wrong.

I knew something was seriously wrong a month after I had stopped weaning. It was Christmas day and my husband and I had just had a huge fight. My usually supportive husband was in a different room seething in front of the fire place while I was crying uncontrollably on the couch. I don’t remember where my two year old or 9 month old were at the time. I just remember thinking this is the end of my marriage, he hates me, I hate myself, I’m a bad mother, my kids shouldn’t have to see me like this. At the time I attributed it to marriage difficulties. We were in that seven year slump I rationalized. We have a good and supportive marriage, this will pass if I work harder. I became more and more anxious, felt like I was scared to be home alone with the kids, and most unfortunately tried to control every aspect of my day, my husband and my kids because it gave me a feeling of safety. I thought that I was communicating effectively and couldn’t understand why my closest friends and husband didn’t seem to get how very emotionally fragile I was.  I didn’t understand that my husband couldn’t see that my crying and controlling was due to fear. He knows me, how could he not know this part of me and just get it?

I didn’t understand myself and that scared me. This was not me. All I could see was that I was physically nauseous, shaky, and that I made lists and lists endlessly because they gave me a sense of control. I knew something wasn’t right and I was so confused. I had never been depressed, I didn’t have post-partum depression (I had done some research and was almost a year out so how could it be?) and I was scared to death that this was the new me. There are two things that stick in my head from that time that were triggers to finally get me into counseling. One was my husband calling my mother behind my back and having her come from Germany to help with the kids for two weeks. I had told him that I absolutely did NOT need her there and that I was going to be fine. The second event that occurred was me crying on the phone to a friend and having her say that she didn’t realize how badly I was doing.

With much support from family and friends, I finally got into counseling. I spent the first two sessions just crying on the couch and worrying that I wouldn’t get better. And I didn’t for a while. It took a lot of grieving and letting go. A lot of grace towards myself and those around me and a lot of just being in this dark space and accepting it. However, it did get better. Not all at once, but one day I realized that the knot in my stomach was loosening. I didn’t have to make lists any more. I exercised, I took time for myself and when the feelings of guilt for taking time came in my head I accepted them for what they were. Untrue.

I share this story because I now have my third child. It is eight months out and I have weaned. Last week I started to feel that anxiety again. I decided to give it the weekend to see if it was just food poisoning or if it was anxiety. By Monday I knew that I am headed back to post-weaning depression. It doesn’t feel any better the second time around. It’s hard. It’s guilt-ridden. It’s overwhelming. But what I do know this time around and what I hope can help those in the same space is firstly that I need help. NOW. Secondly, I realize that I don’t do a good job of communicating even though I thought I did. So I am communicating with all those around me, as bluntly as possible, as much as possible and all the time. My husband knows what he is in for; he understands that he doesn’t understand what is happening with me, but he does know where I am at. Lastly, I know and hold on with a tight grip to the thought that this is not me and this will end. On days when the anxiety is high and self judgement is at its worst I repeat this mantra to myself. This is not me. This will pass. Be kind to yourself. There is not always a visible light at the end of the tunnel but there is a light. Hopefully I will give myself more grace and demand less from myself this time around.

sibling interplay

I have not had the energy or desire to do anything about Christmas this year. So in terms of decorations Christmas has passed us without any fanfare. We thankfully have Sinterklaas that is organized by the Dutch community here to focus on presents etc. at the beginning of December. I find myself missing our tree, our stockings, our story that we usually read at Christmastime today. However, I also know that having a very active 8 month old would give me more headache than peace. The kids have taken it in stride and any thoughts of bad parenting I"m trying to put to rest by reminding myself that holidays are what we make them. So today included:

Church with a drumming circle and kids choir
Brunch at some of our oldest friends house
Our car getting broken into
And this lovely interplay between my two oldest this morning (pictures speak for their relationship. Love/hate, a dire need of approval and acceptance from Jonah for Ayumi's attention and Ayumi realizing that she is not always the best at everything and having a pout)


In random news: this Christmas dress was the best buy ever. Bought it for her when we moved here three years ago and somehow it still fits

quotes..

Again: Quotes I want to remember

Me: I know, Mommy's and daddys say no a lot
Ayumi: You're just scared to say yes

Jonah: Mommy! I had the best dream ever! I dreamt that I went to sammi's house and got to stay with him forever.
Me: But Jonah, that makes me so sad because I'd never see you again
Jonah: No it's okay, you guys were dead

Ayumi: Mommy, it's not that I"m tired, it's just that my eyes won't stay open

Ayumi: Mommy, you sometimes lie.

Jonah: Ayumi, when can we play batman, superman and wonderful woman?

camping

Waking up next to zebra and buffalo (separated by an electric fence because I Would not want to wake up next to the lions that are also around) is awesome. I never though that I'd go camping here but we did this last weekend to escape the Halloween madness and what a good move it was. Reconnected to nature and wide open spaces

Checking for animals

Freedom!!

View from our campsite



Sunrise way to early in the morning

Alex's début camping trip



Bush road looking for animals

Out on the plain with buffalo and giraffe



Our campsite

our protective fence

6 months. Really! Really?! Really.

I don't understand emotionally how I am already at the six month mark with Alex. Six months since I was in a hospital bed in Germany getting induced and smelling my mom and Kimi's nasty pizza while reading David Sedaris during labor. Six months since sweet baby Alex came into this world and was nearly born on a toilet. What is he up to these days you ask? Here are the highlights

- He has cut his fist two teeth on the bottom last week
- This kid can hold a plank position like no-ones business especially when he doesn't have socks on
- You have to work to make Alex laugh, but when he's in the mood it shakes his whole body and is super loud. Smiles he gives away for free.
- No-one can make him laugh like his two older siblings
- He somehow has self-regulated everything. Sleep, naps, eating. All according to a schedule that I had to work at with the other two
- He is moving backwards
- He loves being held and is held way more than either of his siblings
- He cries when he is not part of the action
- He rarely cries. Rarely.
- He loves TV to the point where Kimi and I will have to stop a show we are watching in the evening because he will do anything (except cry) with his little body to try and see the screen.

Alex you make having three so easy and fun and fit completely and perfectly into our family. We probably missed your first rolling over but we love you!

back in Rwanda

There are many things that have made coming back to Rwanda this time around an uncomfortable transition. I am so very happy that I know this place, that I know people here, that I have a community. Our car got broken into, my computer broke, Kimi's contracted a virus that wiped out his whole system, and Ayumi broke her wrist. It is easy for me to get discouraged. I go back to work on Monday to a job that I don't love leaving sweet baby Alex home. Even though all these transitions have been hard I feel blessed. Blessed to have friends who I can call and say "Ayumi broke her wrist and needs surgery, please pray." Friends who will do that and instead of asking questions right off the bat say "I am praying". Blessed to have co-workers spend the night on a cold hospital floor (with cockroaches) and advocate for Ayumi and her pain. Blessed to drive a crappy car that has nothing worth stealing. Blessed to have a friend come from Germany right when I needed a new computer. Life here is never boring and gives me infinite occasions to trust God

I recently read an interview with Brene Brown on embracing failure. She states

"I do think that we have somehow, in our pursuit of comfort and happiness, shifted a lot of value to fun, fast and easy. But it’s counterfeit value. The amount of energy it takes to live a life where you never fall down is so much. We’re enamored of grit, tenacity, courage, and perseverance, I think because they’re so rare. They’re truth. We have a sign in our house that says, “We do hard things.” We’re going to be called upon to do hard things. We can weather disappointment. I think people are desperate for that. I think they want to believe they’re brave and they want to be brave, but what they don’t understand is how difficult it is. There’s this cultural obsession with happy and comfortable. But what we really respect are people who can have tough conversations and get things done. In order to do that, we have to be very awake to our emotional lives."

Life is not meant to be easy. Instagram, Facebook and even blogs tend to make us forget that. It was not easy in Seattle, and is not easy here. But man, it's good and hard and scary and wonderful!

A third of year...

When looked at in this perspective I've been gone and out of Kigali for what seems like ages. So much good has happened in the space of four months. So much reflection, thought, fun, growth, bonding. Impossible to summarize in one blog post so here are the highlights (other than Alex being born which outclasses all other highlights by a mile).

- Reconnecting with family and getting to see my younger brother on a weekly basis
- Jonah is now speaking Dutch fluently
- Opa watching 101 dalmations 5 times with the kids and narrating the whole time
- new haircut for myself and then another one and then the final one
- Ayumi being able to have 1st grade with my 1st grade teacher
- Jonah being successful and charming the pants off his teachers in German kindergarten
- Reconnecting with old friends
- showing Ayumi my favorite childhood haunts
- Laguna - indoor water park fun
- indoor playgrounds
- grilling
- Seeing Bob Dylan play in Loerrach
- Seeing a classical concert
- Shopping with my mom
- watching my parents interact with my kids
- going to the Mediterranean for a family reunion
- Final seeing one of the most idyllic spots in France where my sister owns a house
- having Seattle friend come to visit and processing life intensely with her
- walking in our neighborhood

We are truly blessed, lucky, fortunate.

my computer broke so I am on Kimi's hence no pictures

life through the eyes of a 4 to 6 year old

When we moved to Rwanda I gave my old point and shoot camera to Layna. I had completely forgotten about it until we came on the trip back to Germany and unearthed it from the bowels of her room in Kigali. These are her pictures taken over the last two and a half years. I put them in black and white but other than that they haven't been changed.