As I start to wrap up my time as an ED nurse (7 years! wow) I can't help but want to remember some of the more amusing and sometimes sad things that I say or hear people say on an almost daily basis. Here's my list in no particular order. Add on as desired:
1. Let me help you get your penis out of your pants sir so that you can use the urinal.
2. I can't believe that guy/girl in room 5 came in for a papercut. They want stitches.
3. On a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being no pain and 10 being set on fire how bad does that paper cut hurt? 10?.....okay...
4. I'm sorry sir/ma'am if your back pain has been going on for years we will not be able to refill your narcotic prescription for you today..
5. Wow, [insert co-worker name], that Pizza/bread/snack/ looks really good! (while walking around with stool, urine, vomit, or blood). Can I have some?
6. You had only 2 drinks tonight? [to the patient brought in by cops because he/she was passed out on the side of the road]
7. I'm sorry sir/ma'am but we cannot let you hold on to your plastic gallon of vodka while you are with us in the ED
8 (and this did happen to me) On a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being no pain and 10 being like your leg is cut off how bad is your pain..... oh, I'm sorry sir I didn't realize that you had a missing leg [epic epic fail on my part, from a war vet no less]
9. Don't worry ma'am we really don't care that you haven't shaved your legs today.... you should see mine
10. How long has the cock ring been stuck now?
11. It seems we have found a (cucumber, condom, ball, weird sex toy, tampon) in your vagina/rectum. That could be what was causing your abdominal pain
12. Ma'am I'm sorry but if you have been vomiting all day we would like you to leave your McDonalds outside and not eat anything for the time being.
13. Did you bring the missing tip (thumb, finger, toe) with you today?
14. to all female teenagers: Are you on birth control?[no] are you sexually active [yes]. Do you use a condom? [no]. Are you trying to get pregnant? [no].... let's have a conversation.
15. Your Child's fever has been going on for an hour? He has no other symptoms? I see. Did you medicate your child at all for the fever?
16. I know, whenever you have diarrhea and come to the ED you can never give a stool sample. It really does always happen that way. Don't worry, we'll give you some cups to take home and if you have diarrhea at home you can bring the samples back for us to run tests.
17. I'm so sorry about your bad/sad test results/loss. Is there anything else I can get for you before you leave today? Is there anyone I can call for you?
18. Would you like a popsicle? (to the child who's parent is in for detox/drunkeness/drug overdose)
19. Sure ma'am I'd be happy to hold your baby while you use the rest room
20. But I read on web md that I might be (dying, having a heart attack, having a stroke, airway is closing off) if I don't get this rash treated right away
21. Hello, My name is Jessica and I'm going to be your nurse today. What brings you in?
I about died at number 8. I would totally do the same thing!
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