Ayumi's school project includes making a collage about culture and what makes my her who she is. I found her choices interesting. She insisted on America, Dutch, and Japan and tried to angle Germany in there too but I did draw the line there
"that city in America with the space science needle"
"What City Ayumi?"
"I don't know, My city in America"
"This is me in Kimono"
"This is a house in the Netherlands"
"In Japan, People live in one room"
"This is my house in America" - on a side note when I showed her this picture of our old house she couldn't remember it
"This is traditional pancakes-pannenkoeken"
"This is what we eat in America" - quesadillas (Indeed it is....)
I usually don't post this kind of stuff on my blog, but if you are wondering about the inner workings of my life lately here you go.
Post-weaning depression huh? That’s a thing. A very real
thing, with physical manifestations, anxiety and a whole cocktail of emotions
and hormones mixed to make life feel so very difficult. Just when everyone is
telling you “oh, it must be getting easier now that your baby is getting older,”
life seems to be getting worse. But instead of admitting it, you nod, you smile
and deep down you think, if only you KNEW how hard this is. How very taxing,
how completely irrational and how guilt-ridden.
8 months after my second son was born, I decided to wean
completely. He was already breastfeeding only twice a day and it felt like a
light at the end of the tunnel to think that I wouldn’t have to pump while at
work. I weaned quickly and without physical or apparent emotional difficulty. I
slowly started an unrecognized spiral towards anxiety which led to depression.
A lot of attention has been given to post – partum depression but I was eight
months out. I should feel happy and free and thrilled to get my body back. Baby
was sleeping through the night, no more pumping, no more worrying about
freezing milk. FREEDOM right? Wrong.
I knew something was seriously wrong a month after I had
stopped weaning. It was Christmas day and my husband and I had just had a huge
fight. My usually supportive husband was in a different room seething in front
of the fire place while I was crying uncontrollably on the couch. I don’t
remember where my two year old or 9 month old were at the time. I just remember
thinking this is the end of my marriage, he hates me, I hate myself, I’m a bad
mother, my kids shouldn’t have to see me like this. At the time I attributed it
to marriage difficulties. We were in that seven year slump I rationalized. We
have a good and supportive marriage, this will pass if I work harder. I became
more and more anxious, felt like I was scared to be home alone with the kids,
and most unfortunately tried to control every aspect of my day, my husband and
my kids because it gave me a feeling of safety. I thought that I was
communicating effectively and couldn’t understand why my closest friends and
husband didn’t seem to get how very emotionally fragile I was.I didn’t understand that my husband couldn’t
see that my crying and controlling was due to fear. He knows me, how could he
not know this part of me and just get it?
I didn’t understand myself and that scared me. This was not
me. All I could see was that I was physically nauseous, shaky, and that I made
lists and lists endlessly because they gave me a sense of control. I knew
something wasn’t right and I was so confused. I had never been depressed, I
didn’t have post-partum depression (I had done some research and was almost a
year out so how could it be?) and I was scared to death that this was the new
me. There are two things that stick in my head from that time that were
triggers to finally get me into counseling. One was my husband calling my
mother behind my back and having her come from Germany to help with the kids
for two weeks. I had told him that I absolutely did NOT need her there and that
I was going to be fine. The second event that occurred was me crying on the
phone to a friend and having her say that she didn’t realize how badly I was
With much support from family and friends, I finally got
into counseling. I spent the first two sessions just crying on the couch and
worrying that I wouldn’t get better. And I didn’t for a while. It took a lot of
grieving and letting go. A lot of grace towards myself and those around me and
a lot of just being in this dark space and accepting it. However, it did get
better. Not all at once, but one day I realized that the knot in my stomach was
loosening. I didn’t have to make lists any more. I exercised, I took time for
myself and when the feelings of guilt for taking time came in my head I
accepted them for what they were. Untrue.
I share this story because I now have my third child. It is
eight months out and I have weaned. Last week I started to feel that anxiety
again. I decided to give it the weekend to see if it was just food poisoning or
if it was anxiety. By Monday I knew that I am headed back to post-weaning depression.
It doesn’t feel any better the second time around. It’s hard. It’s
guilt-ridden. It’s overwhelming. But what I do know this time around and what I
hope can help those in the same space is firstly that I need help. NOW.
Secondly, I realize that I don’t do a good job of communicating even though I
thought I did. So I am communicating with all those around me, as bluntly as
possible, as much as possible and all the time. My husband knows what he is in
for; he understands that he doesn’t understand what is happening with me, but
he does know where I am at. Lastly, I know and hold on with a tight grip to the
thought that this is not me and this will end. On days when the anxiety is high
and self judgement is at its worst I repeat this mantra to myself. This is not
me. This will pass. Be kind to yourself. There is not always a visible light at
the end of the tunnel but there is a light. Hopefully I will give myself more
grace and demand less from myself this time around.
I have not had the energy or desire to do anything about Christmas this year. So in terms of decorations Christmas has passed us without any fanfare. We thankfully have Sinterklaas that is organized by the Dutch community here to focus on presents etc. at the beginning of December. I find myself missing our tree, our stockings, our story that we usually read at Christmastime today. However, I also know that having a very active 8 month old would give me more headache than peace. The kids have taken it in stride and any thoughts of bad parenting I"m trying to put to rest by reminding myself that holidays are what we make them. So today included:
Church with a drumming circle and kids choir
Brunch at some of our oldest friends house
Our car getting broken into
And this lovely interplay between my two oldest this morning (pictures speak for their relationship. Love/hate, a dire need of approval and acceptance from Jonah for Ayumi's attention and Ayumi realizing that she is not always the best at everything and having a pout)
In random news: this Christmas dress was the best buy ever. Bought it for her when we moved here three years ago and somehow it still fits